These Days

---I'm taking my Qual this week. It's rough, but in a little way, exciting. But mostly rough. Here's a note I wrote to myself in my planner tonight. The last part is especially important.

Also, I often have nicer hand writing.

I saw this picture recently. I made a whole new folder in my bookmarks menu for it. The folder is called "Important Thoughts". The 'important' thought I had when I saw this was that I wanted to go there- as long as there was heating or a wood stove. It might be lonely, but I think I'd enjoy it. In fact, I have a whole daily routine imagined there, all by myself. (I also have a whole romantic version where it's just me and the love of my life... probably preferable to the first version, but not as relatable.)

My mom asked me recently if I feel lonely sometimes. I said yes. But I also said that, unlike earlier this semester, I don't really think feeling lonely always means I feel sad. I was lonely sometimes this summer when I was in DC or with Dora. It's not because I wasn't around people, or couldn't call home, but because I felt almost completely self directed. I had to process all my own thoughts and feelings. Even with Dora, with whom I spent almost all my time in New York, I wasn't always able to share my thoughts, because they wouldn't have been well received. I journaled and I painted instead. Being alone meant I had to make my own entertainment too, because I didn't have TV or movies, or the internet. So I read books and I fell right back into my fantasy world- the one I used to get into when reading gory fantasy books in middle school. I had to be with myself and enjoy my own company, and I learned a lot that way, and I made quite a few revelations about what my goals and values are.

I spend a lot of time doing my own thing these days. Sometimes I like it, sometimes it makes me sad, but usually I don't have the time to think about it. Like right now, during the qual- I just feel like I have to improve my level of day-to-day functioning so that I stay healthy and complete the task at hand. But I'm looking forward to a day of giggling and shopping and indulgent food (and maybe my crush will wanna hang out or something).

Anyway, sorry for the diary entry. Here's my favorite gif. of all time (I was going to save it for a post about my best and worst bookmarks, but I don't see any harm in posting it twice):